Relationships: What I am Learning

Relationships.


How they start so flowery, and end in such bitterness, resentment and hatred. How the start with creating life and end up in ending it - murder. How the world admires a couple as the SI Unit of love and later see the melodramatic theatricals, vile slander and morally debased actions.


In my first blog, 'On Fire' I mentioned that I was in and out of love twice this year. After the second one, I decided to take a good break. Then somewhere inside that break, there was an interruption that led to a rude awakening - story for another day. But I believe that there are a few universal principles that make a relationship last.


Here is Part 1 of lessons that I am learning:

Be Kind, Be Generous.

Yes, they mean two different things.

Be a gentleman. Get the door before her. Pull the chair. Share a gift often, however small – it’s the thought that counts, not the price. Write her a note. Give freely. And when you give, don’t expect them to pay back. Love is about giving without expecting something in return. Never let her go home alone - take her. However tired you are.

Be a lady. Respect his time, his opinion, his friends and his wallet. Dress decently. Say 'Thank you' and 'I am sorry' and mean it. I realized most women rarely use these words these days. Learn to cook. Choose friends that will support your course, who will always challenge you to see both sides of the story. Men also like gifts. When he buys you flowers and jewelry, buy him shoes, or a watch on a day that he least expects it - and use your own cash, not his. Heheh!

Don’t lend money to your partner. Either give or don’t give, but don’t lend. I don’t need to say any more.

Keep Time, Create time…

…both quality time and quantity time. Time to pray, time for deep talk, time to do the things that you both like to do, time to plan things together.

If he likes sports, get to learn a few things about the sports he likes. They make good conversation. If she likes to read, or salsa or art get interested in the books she reads, join the salsa class, and help her nurture her talent. But don’t sit and wait for her in the salon while she gets her nails done – that’s not gangsta! I am not an advocate for fruity men. But pick her up when she is done.

If you have a date, keep time. It shows you respect him/her. Don't make other plans without informing him/her. And do not cancel without a good reason. But if you really must, don't make excuses, make it up big.

Go on a trip together, however short. Make time to pray together. It makes you strong.

And don’t crowd each other’s space. Allow him/her some alone time without you. After all, if you are serious about each other, you have a whole lifetime ahead of you to spend time together. Again, I can’t say any more than this

Communicate, especially when things are hard.

Our generation is one of poor communicators. Ironically we have so many media of communication - phone call, email, text, Facebook. In a relationship, only two make a difference - your voice, and pen and paper. Our thinking has been conditioned by television, the internet and social media. There are no answers there. We must learn to talk from the heart. The biggest lesson is this: mastery in communication will especially come in handy in conflict resolution.

Do not use social media to fight. It is stupid. Find time to have a real hard face to face talk to resolve issues – even if it means that you have to break up. Just do it. If you are determined to make it work, do not be proud or rush to argue back. Before you talk, listen. Before you react, think. Before you criticize, wait. Before you pray, forgive. Before you quit, try.

Speak your mind. Don’t be afraid what the other person will say or think. But let your intentions be pure – be sensitive to what your words make the other person feel.

Men who give silent treatment are cowards. Man up and talk to your girl. If you need some time out, tell her. Just don’t go silent. It’s stupid.

Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you. They are just wired that way and it’s weird. But it is up to the man to find out what he did wrong and make it right – that is leadership and every relationship needs that. You also need a little wit here. Make her laugh when she is angry.

If you have your convictions about things you say, and your conscience is clear, don’t try hard to explain or defend yourself or your words. People only hear what you want to hear. Say it once, then let them reflect harder… with time they will separate your words from their emotions and focus on your intention. There is nothing as weak as an opinion without conviction.


No mater what you say, sometimes words can just be that: WORDS. Don't take everything too literally or seriously. Good conversation defines a good friendship. I enjoy constructive conversations... but I believe there is no such thing as small talk. If it's silly and you both enjoy it and it makes you laugh, talk about it! The big world out there should not define the small world you both choose to live in.


You need to be able to know the difference between what one is saying and what they are not saying - whether or not they use words. Body language - five thousand words! If you are able to spend time with someone without uttering a single word and still feel like you have had the best conversation in the world, that's when you really know someone.


Once in a while, write a poem!

Choose your battles.

Fights and argument cannot be separated from a relationship. In fact, I think a healthy relationship should have many of these, but only know how far you can go - some fights are just never worth it.

It is better to fight a hundred fights and resolve each of them. But do not fight the same fight a hundred times without a resolution. If there is intolerance and one person needs to either bow out or change their thinking.

If you are angry, do not go to bed with your anger. If he said something that hurt you, tell him and sort it out immediately. It is likely that he didn’t mean it. Men are usually sarcastic and witty. Girls need to learn that. Girls are emotional and relate to things using their emotions. Men need to learn that. So there needs to be a balance.

When the battle gets tough and neither side is winning, it is your responsibility to make sure that both sides win. Amicably agree to let it go. Outdo each other in showing kindness. Forgive and yield. In fact that should be a point on its own…

Forgive and yield.

This is a tough one. I had to learn to do this a hundred times over. Not because I am the one who needed to forgive but because I needed forgiveness for things I said or did.

Men always mess up when it comes to relationships. I guess that’s why there are more songs titled ‘Sorry’ or ‘Please forgive me’ sang by men. When wronged, men shake it off easily and move on. But women can keep in deeply resentful indignation for years. As the saying goes, ‘Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury, like a woman scorned’.

For me, forgiveness is actually an admirable and attractive characteristic. The other is confidence. It’s a sign of inner strength and mastery of self.

If you are not strong enough to forgive and forget one hundred times a day then you are not ready for a relationship. If you cannot do both, pick one. It’s easier said than done but it must be done if divorce rates are to reduce globally.

Deal with your past.

Each of us has a bad past – maybe a bad childhood, an emotionally abusive partner or parent, baby daddy who took off or baby mummy who won’t let you see your child, rejection, or just a bad breakup. It is painful. But at some point in your life you must deal with it and move on. Again, yield. Shake it off and move on. Let the tears flow if they have to and for as long as they have to but when they dry, you will be stronger.

If you haven’t dealt with the past don’t burden yourself with a relationship. Otherwise you will find yourself projecting your frustrations on the one person that you should be loving. You will end up hurting a lot more souls.

And let anyone you may feel interested in or who is interested in you know early enough so that you can manage their expectations. And let your friendship have limits so that you also don’t get confused in the mix of things.

Close all past relationships honorably. After you do that give yourself some time out to appreciate yourself and find your worth again.

The worst thing you can do to someone you are just getting to know with the hope of being in a relationship is subject them to the pain of your past relationships. You start to think with your emotions and not your head. Everything they say or do is reflected against what you experienced in the past. You start having unreasonable expectations.

Do not awaken love before its time.

In our day, we like all things instant. That’s why the word ‘pap’ is viral and easily became part of our grammar. That is also why one Pastor Chris Ojigbani makes millions when he promises instant spouses in his well attended marriage conventions worldwide.

God makes everything beautiful in its time.

Stop chasing after love and relationships because you are lonely or getting older. It will find you. Don’t have 13 bowls of cereal now just because the milk is expiring tomorrow. Fermented milk also has it place in the digestive system.

Get busy with making yourself a better person. Find your purpose and spend time doing the things that you like. Travel. Read books. Take a photography or piano class. Spend time with God.

I believe that somehow the universe will conspire (hehehe, I really needed an opportunity to use that phrase) to make you meet ‘the one’, who will also be doing the same thing. It’s the things in common that make a relationship enjoyable. Remember, single doesn’t always mean lonely and a relationship doesn’t always mean happy.

It is ok to start a long distance relationship with someone who lives in the future